Thursday 31 May 2012

Breast is best

I am taking part in the 'Keep Britain Breastfeeding Scavenger Hunt' and I will be writing a series of posts all about boobie feeding over the next four weeks! Readers will be in with a chance of winning some fabulous prizes!

The first post is about my personal benefits from Breastfeeding!

When I fell pregnant, I always assumed I would breast feed and luckily I have been able to feed both my boys! It's been a tough but incredibly enjoyable experience which I know isn't for everyone but it really is an amazing experience!

Let me tell you why? Firstly, it's incredibly good for helping to shift some of the baby weight! As it burns so many extra calories you don't need to feel guilty about eating cake, and let me tell you I have eaten a lot of cake. I am considering buying shares in Mr Kipling, as we are almost on first name terms!

Secondly, and in fairness more important than eating cake are the health benefits for you and your baby! Damien didn't even have a spoonful of calpol until he was 8 months old. Dennis on the other hand had bronchilitis at 4 weeks old and the fact I breast fed him made all the difference to his recovery! You are probably aware of the health benefits for baby but it is also fantastic for mummy's health too.

Thirdly, and my favourite reason is the close bond it has created between me and my babies. It really is the best feeling in the world to sit and snuggle and be able to sooth your little bundle whilst he sucks away! It's a lovely feeling to know they need you and that only you can provide the comfort they are seeking! Enjoy it first time round though because If you have a second baby it's is nearly impossible to sit and breast feed in peace! I quite often find myself being used as a human climbing frame for Damien whilst Dennis munches away!

It's also the quickest and easiest way to feed! I love not having to faff about sterilising bottles and making up feeds! You can just wack a boob out and pop your baby on and away you go! You become a one stop feeding machine! Plus the milk is made for your unique baby and your baby alone. It is tailored especially for them to meet all of their needs. Night time feeds are quick and easy and you can have the milk both ready and at the right temperature instantly!

Did I mention you get to eat lots of cake! Yep, see its always on my mind!

Another great benefit of breast feeding and I know this isn't particuarly PC but you do get to sit on your bum and watch a lot of trashy TV. When they are first born and establishing their feeding pattern, you can sit and feed for hours in front of the telly and it's a great excuse to get out of the house work! Probably not one of the benefits most people promote!

In addition you become a master of doing things with one hand whilst your baby drinks! I have been able to feed and play playdoh, cook dinner, eat dinner, have a bath, go to the loo, not recommended though! 

I also feel that it is a massive sense of achievement to know you are soley responsible for producing the milk and seeing your baby gain weight! It really is a satisfying experience and knowing you are doing something incredible for your baby really is worth the hard work at the beginning!

My advice would be to set yourself mini goals and congratulate yourself when you reach them. Try and get to a month, then set it to three months and before you know it you will have fed for six months and so on! Just break it down and think that everyday you manage to feed is a great achievement!

To check out other mummies thoughts on feeding please visit the following sites:

In my next post, I will be giving one lucky reader the chance to win a product of their choice from the fantastic Lactivist's website

As well as that, I will also have a stunning Breastfeeding necklass up for grabs from the brilliant Baby Beads, check them out at:

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Wednesday 30 May 2012

Damien the exhibitionist

A nice early start for me today at 5:15 but I can't complain at that too much as both Dennis and Damien slept through the night for the first time in what feels like years! We were awoken by Damien insisting to be dressed as a pirate whilst repeatedly hitting me in the head and shouting fatty at daddy pig. I knew then we were possibly heading for one of those days. Brace yourself world Damien is in top gear.

Now, the morning progressed with Damien hitting Dennis in the face with the lid off his toy box which knocked him flat on the floor. As my way to tell him off, I took away his pirate toys. His protest against this was to wee all over the floor, using his willy as a water gun. Cheers for the pee over everything then Damien. If only you could have seen his face. It was the work of the devil!

Next stop was music group and I had given Damien his usual bribe to behave himself before we go in. I also told him he could take a wee at Kay's house! Big mistake. As soon as we are about to start Damien announces he needs a wee. Ok, so I take him and he goes. He then proceeds to tell the group his good news as soon as we enter back into the room. Two minutes later and one of the joys of potty training, "mummy I need the toilet" came his voice! I think he is playing me up and enjoys this new game, anyhow I took him again and this time he did a poo! Thankfully he didn't feel the need to announce this to the rest of the class.

Our afternoon stop was boobie group. On the way from the car to the group Dennis manages to break my new necklass, seriously I don't know why I bothered. When we finally get in, Damien trots off to play. Ahhh peace, I think to myself. Within five minutes the crèche worker appears carrying my sons trousers and shoes and a few minutes after that Damien appears without his pants. Dear god, why is it my child, and my child only runs around stark naked at playgroup! I also had the joyful task of hunting for his pants, which I find the disguarded on the floor outside. Clearly he gets that behaviour from his daddy!

Monday 28 May 2012

Always tuck it in

Well today has been relatively successful. We spent the morning at the farm and both boys were angels. Damien didn't "kick off" once. Dennis was also very well behaved. It was as though they'd had personality transplants.

This afternoon was relatively good too. Damien had his friend over to play (his 'girlfriend') and all was going well until they both decided they both needed the toilet at the same time and wanted to battle out over who went first. I guess men and women will fight over the bathroom whatever age they are.... could it spell the beginning of the end for loves young dream?

Anyway, I stayed downstairs with Dennis and his 'bird' whilst my friend took the two toddlers upstairs. Now I need to explain that my friend has two little girls and is therefore, not accustom to little boys anatomy and the need for their winky
to be pointing down in the toilet.

Damien, not knowing any better started to wee and ended up sending a golden shower all over the bathroom, all over the floor, up the side if the bath, in the bath and on the walls! My friend was helpless, I think it was just safer to take cover than to intervene until he had finished. Damien found this very amusing and to be honest, so did I.

Fingers crossed the boys decide to sleep well tonight and follow on their good behaviour they showed today but this is Damien and Dennis we are talking about!

I have to say that the day started well with Damien having had a dry nappy over night and asking to go to the toilet. Just goes to show how little people can surprise and amaze you even when you least expect it.

Not to be totally out of character Damien did decide to ride his ironing board like a surf board in the back garden minus his pants! Tip my entire bottle of Volvic water out in to the radiator, smack his head on the fridge door, climb on my glass table in the garden, make a run for it out the front door and chuck the entire contents of his crisp packet onto the sofa! Pretty good behaviour for Damien! :-)

Sunday 27 May 2012

1066 had nothing on my boys

To say its been one of those days where everything is a battle is an understatement.

Damien has created havoc at having his teeth brushed, bath, dinner, lunch, breakfast and every minute in between, except for at nanny plum's house.

He is currently going insane because he wants to wear his robot PJs but can't because its too warm to even contemplate winter PJs! I know sometimes life is tough hey? If only when you got older the only thing to cause upset is not having your favourite pyjamas on.

In fact due to his major paddy I am unable to get Damien off to sleep. Again! That is now a battle in itself, left, right, left, right (said in army tones) no I am not marching but switching boobs. Attention!

This mornings adventure started at a family indoor water park, basically a posh way of saying swimming pool with a few slides and fountains. Everyone was excited until we got in to the water. Damien had decided he didn't want to swim or do anything actually, he didn't want to go round the rapids, the bubbles, the water jet and after an unfortunate incident with daddy pig and the flume that was out of the window too. Oh and daddy pig also went down the baby slide and took Damien out at the bottom, straight under the water.

There was one thing that kept his attention though and that was the pirate ship. Now most children would be content with just playing nicely, our child however decided to stick his head through the port hole and got it stuck. Daddy pig had to clamber on board to rescue him and free his head

Damien then decided that it was his ship and no one else could come aboard. After several pushing incidents he had to be removed from his boat and told off. Very embarrassing!

We had only been in there about 45 minutes and he already wanted to go home! But we had paid £16.20 for the privilege and were adamant to get our money's worth. We lasted another 25 minutes, so that was one expensive and stressful hour and 10 minutes.

This afternoon carried on in much the same vain with many a tantrum and battles. On the plus side the potty training is going well! Only one accident today (and that was when he fell asleep) Well done Damien!

The later part of the afternoon was spent at nannie plum's house. Both boys were angels there as always!

Finally, both boys are in bed but not after a battle. I have just spent the last half an hour walking the streets with Dennis in his buggy to get him off to sleep! Let's just say daddy pig and I are seeking solace in our new best friend Pinot Grigio.

Friday 25 May 2012

Who's been sleeping in my bed!

I have been wanting to write my blog for a few days but to be honest, I have been exhausted thanks to some god awful nights from the boys.

Now it's fairly common knowledge that my boys don't do sleep leaving me and daddy pig rather dishevelled. Being desperate we are trying an experiment. Dennis has moved into Damien's eiom and he is now in with us. The first two nights were amazing and then all hell has broken loose.

Dennis has decided he no longer wants to go to bed at and will just feed and feed until I say enough! We have resorted to the age old trick of walking him around in his buggy and silently lifting him into bed.

A normal night time is just non existent! I can only describe last nights antics as a blur! Let me set the scene, Damien for a change goes to bed on time without a fuss! Dennis on the other hand has other ideas. Now he normally falls asleep whilst having his feed (yes I know another awful sleeping habit that I am somehow going to have to break)

Last night though he fed and fed and fed with no sign of nodding off! After an hour I gave up and let him come and watch me cook dinner. We resorted to putting him in his buggy and daddy pig walking him round the block!

I don't really remember much more because it's very hazy but let's just say it was so bad I was sat downstairs with Dennis at 3:30am drinking coffee. Around 4, I managed to get him back into his bed but came back into to my bedroom to find Damien had crawled into my side of the bed and was soundo.

Bloody fantastic, I ended up getting into Damien's toddler bed and laying there buzzing on the caffeine and listening to all three men in my house sleeping. Some more quietly than others. If I could have been bothered I would have got up and kicked daddy pig to shut up! There really is nothing more annoying than hearing someone snoring when you can't sleep!

We have even tried going to bed really early to get a head start but nope they know. It's like they can smell our weakness. They sense our presence, I am sure they are in cahoots as to who's turn it is to wake us up! They are turning into a formidable tag-team

When people say they had a bad night I have sympathy, limited albeit but some nonetheless, until they say, "We were up three times last night and then all I hear is blah, blah, blah" that's a good night for us in fact that would be an amazing night. What I find the hardest though is when they get up and stay awake for hours on end!

Still every night though, I think this could be it, the golden night when they both sleep through. #deluded! But you never know and you have to stay positive. In fairness you get used to the lack of sleep but it is bloody hard work.

Let's hope we have a good night tonight as we are off to Moors Valley Country Park tomorrow, so watch this space for an update and watch out if you are going! :-)

Wednesday 23 May 2012

Poo on his hands

Phew...What a day! as much as I love the sunny weather, I am not overly enjoying it presently. Dennis wails every time I put him down and if I dare to leave the room without him, he screams his lungs out until I pick him up again. Heaven forbid I could consider using both of my hands today.

Damien has also been slightly more possessed than normal which doesn't sit well! He refuses to wear a nappy, which is fine at home but as it's only day two of potty training we aren't quite there when it comes to going out you see. So battle number one of the day begins an hour before we leave the house. Getting ready to go anywhere if you have two children can feel like mission impossible. I am forever telling Damien that I will just take Dennis and that he will be left to his own devices, and head for the door. This usually works, but I have had to shut him in once and ended up having to explain to my neighbour why I was locking my two year old in the house and not to call social services! I think she took pity on me, she does after all live next door to him!

I had a lovely image in my head of having a picnic in the garden with the boys. Dennis happy in his high chair and Damien and I tucking into sandwiches, fruit, 'jam' (that one is Damien's idea) and a jug of squash! Crash back down to earth with a reality check! Dennis makes me hold him whilst buttering bread which is no mean feat in itself, especially when said butter is rock hard and rips the bread to pieces. Consequently, we had sandwiches with holes in and actually very little else as we only had two slices of ham!

When we finally made it outside, Damien had the mother of all meltdowns because I took some of the 'joint' crisps from the bowl and all hell broke loose. Long story short, all three of us ended up in a cold bath to cool off. One problem there, Damien wouldn't get out and Dennis didn't want to get in. So I had to sit starkers on the bathroom floor while Damien splashed about! Not one of my best ideas!

After an exceptionally long and tedious afternoon it came to dinner time. Damien didn't make the toilet this time so I had to do a quick clean up job. This meant I forgot to put Dennis' nappy on and put him in his high chair. Opps, big mistake!

Both boys were amazing during dinner very well behaved! Daddy Pig came home and instantly annoyed me. I had just about taken all the whining from the men in my life that I could handle. So I passed the parenting reigns over to Daddy Pig and went upstairs to clean up the destruction from a day at home.

After a little while, I could hear my name being called and at first I chose to ignore it, thinking "I have to deal with two of them on my own so you can too!" After a few more name calls, I took pity and went to see what had gone on. Daddy Pig was covered in poo, that nappy I forgot to put back on Dennis earlier, had come back and bitten us in the arse! Not only was Daddy Pig literally in the shit but Dennis was covered in poo as was his high chair (as that was where the offence had taken place). I took Dennis to clean him up and Damien appeared and started to rub my back. How lovely I thought. Until he said "mummy you have poo on your back!"

Great, so I was covered in poo now and clearly so was Damien! Back to the bath for the lot of us! What a 'shitty' day! Lol x

Tuesday 22 May 2012

Pee pee on the potty

Since my exhibitionist child decided to take his potty into the front garden and wee, we somehow have ended up potty training.

Yesterday afternoon was the start when he took his nappy off and asked to wear his pants! Fantastic! I hear you say, well it was until I noticed him curling one out on top of my tv unit! Nice! He then laughed and shouted: "look at my poo! Ha ha ha ha" yes funny if you aren't the one cleaning it up. I also had Dennis feeding away but had to stop mid flow which created even more commotion to the scene.

Today he woke up and asked for his pants on and point blankly refused a nappy! All good signs so we went for it. Poop on the potty and lots of wee wee! Go Damien.

Dennis on the other hand decided I was not allowed to put him down all day which wasn't my favourite game that we have played this week. It also has proved to be very hard to potty train and breast feed actually! I am not sure how we made it to the end of the day but we did and for that I intend to give myself a big pat on the back and large glass of wine. Well done me!

So other than Damien pissing his pants at the children's centre today, excuse my potty mouth.....and the really bad pun, I would say today had been fairly successful on the toilet front.

My only concern is that every time he goes on the loo he gets what we call a 'potty sweet' I think he may have been trying to force a couple out so he could have extra ones, far too clever!

On the plus side threatening to throw his sweeties in the bin is having a marked impact on his behaviour! Bribery and empty threats appear to form the basis of how we parent in this house.

Let's see where this potty training takes us and all I can say is thank god for laminate flooring!

Monday 21 May 2012

Just another day in paradise

So I have been off the blog for a few days as my boys have been a little on the crazy side and I have had to work, host my lovely inlaws to be and generally run around like a loon!

Let me take you back to where it all went wrong. Picture the scene, peaceful nights sleep, yeah right, interrupted by Dennis after his boob fix at 2am, he is a little bit like a junky on crack - addicted! Thinking I could feed him off to sleep and get back to my snooze is always my downfall. I silently tip toe over to the cot with him snuggled in and gently lay him down, within seconds he is awake and I know it's going to be a long night.

Up he gets again and guess who should appear at his door bang on cue, Damien! He has already decided that only mummy will do and I must sleep in his bed. Only problem I can't be in two places at once. Finally two hours later I put Dennis back to bed and he stays there. Phew. I sink into bed, turn out the light and think about how nice it will be to sleep. 'Think' being the operative word, "I want my mummy" came the cry from Damien's room, with that he was up and out of his door, ran into my bedroom, misjudged where the bed was and 'Crack' followed by an all mighty scream.

Up I jump and grab him, blood everywhere I take a look at his chin and think its going to need a stitch. Thankfully after cleaning it up, providing milk and galaxy minstrels he settles and the blood stops. It's now 5am and we are all wide awake on the sofa watching Peppa Pig and that was the end of sleep. Being awake since 2am did not bode well for the day ahead.

I had work in the morning so Nannie Plum took both boys to playgroup! Damien apparently terrorised the life out of the other children and Nannie Plum came home looking like she had been dragged through a hedge backwards! I was nice to give her all the excuses she gives me when I say he has been naughty. She said on a couple of occasions she found herself shouting: "Damien noooooooooooo' at full volume across the room! And they were all glad to see my boys leave. Dennis also managed to steal a toy!

Following bed gate, we decided to bite the bullet and go bed shopping on the Saturday morning and buy something more child friendly! Good god, that was not an easy task! Firstly, our current bed is so uncomfortable and as most of you know I don't get a great deal of sleep anyway, so when I lie on the first bed I don't think I am ever going to get up. I could have slept there and then. Secondly, my terrorist child had great fun trying out all the beds too, just in a less conventional way than an adult as he opted for the bounce test! This involved jumping as high as possible and shouting at the top of his lungs!

Daddy pig escaped to the pub to watch the footie on Saturday afternoon so I roped in nanny plum again to help out. Both boys were as good as gold! Damien even went to the toilet on the potty! My child can't do anything normally mind you. He never goes on the potty despite my best efforts. Yet on this occasion, he picks up the potty, takes it into the front garden, takes off his trousers and nappy and has a wee in full view of the street! Exhibitionist! Very proud mummy moment nonetheless!

As we had daddy pig's mum coming for the day, operation tidy up was in full swing on Sunday morning. Daddy pig took the job of 'tidyuperer' and I took both boys to tesco to do the weekly food shop! Dear god, I felt like I had climbed Mount Everest after that, lots of sympathetic looks were cast my way though as Dennis point blank refused to sit in the trolley until the end and I had to push the trolley with one hand and carry my 20lb baby in the other! Never ever again......

Thursday 17 May 2012

I've turned into my mum.

Today's post is inspired by my lovely friend Helen who came to see me today with her gorgeous little girl. Who by the way, Damien has set his sights on as a future girlfriend. Not sure what her daddy will make of that and I don't think Damien's other girlfriends would be too impressed! He is only two and a half so we can let him off, plus the lovely little lady today was outrageously flirting! (lol) or it could have been wind.

Our conversation led to the question do you find yourself doing things your mum used to do. "All the time" I said and it's true. Below are my list of sayings and actions that illustrate my point.

1. This is what I like to call the Spitty. The use of either a finger, tissue, napkin, anything really, applied with saliva and rubbing, usually, food marks from the cheek area.

2. The 'don't you dare!' comment followed by the 'look'

3. Along the same lines, 'don't you even think about it young man/lady (delete as appropriate)

4. The move I like to call the 'GTF'.. Yep its giving the finger, a good telling off always requires the use of the finger pointing in said childs direction and wagging it up and down.

5. 'You won't get any pudding if you don't eat your dinner, oh come on eat some more...please'

6. 'You watch far too much television'

7. "I'm warning you..."

8. "One...two...two and a half...two and three quarters, don't make me get to three!"

Wednesday 16 May 2012

How NOT to Parent

What a day!

It's never good when you hear a loud crash, followed by a very loud screaming baby. On this occasion, Dennis had managed to capsize his high chair and was found face down on the floor! Poor little love! Now, I am not sure if Damien may have assisted in his downfall or not. Hmmmmm! Now as neither daddy pig or I were in the room at the time (yes I know what you are thinking, bad parents ) we don't know what exactly happened!

When asked Damien said; "chair went like this, (demonstrates with hands) then crash!" OK so still none-the-wiser.

Needless to say we were back up the doctors for the second time in three days. We were told he shouldn't drive, play contact sports, take drugs or drink alcohol. Good god, what will we do all day now?

As all the above were ruled out, we opted to go to Jolly Babies, Damien's singing group. Again he was bribed with sweets if he behaved himself there! This was followed by coffee and a play date. Obviously for Damien and Dennis.

Before Damien reached melt down, I bundled both boys into the car whilst the going was good. Now, you may recall from my last post that I have been a bit forgetful lately. Well I achieved another classic today, I was putting the boys in the car and realised that my host was pointing to something out of the window. Yep that's right I forgot my bag on the driveway. Not content with this for forgetfulness, I pulled up outside our house with both boys asleep and Damien had a coughing fit which woke him up and made him fall out of his chair. Yep, that's right I had driven the entire 12 mile trip with him completely unstraped in his seat. (bad mummy offence number 2)

Just to top my day off we go to boobie group in the afternoon and Dennis was sick all down my top, twice! I am talking orange sick, over a white top! It even went in my bra! Cheers for that one then. Note to self: pack spare change of clothes for me as well as the boys!

By the time daddy pig came home from work I was giving Worzel Gummidge a run for his money and had a flinch (every time Damien came close) that would make a crazy person jealous! I seem to have taken the approach of just close my eyes and duck for cover!

Tuesday 15 May 2012

Diary of the Milkshake Mummy: Calling in sick

Diary of the Milkshake Mummy: Calling in sick: Bloody awful night sleep again and this was not due to the boys on this occasion. For some reason my cold has returned and brought with it a...

Calling in sick

Bloody awful night sleep again and this was not due to the boys on this occasion. For some reason my cold has returned and brought with it achy legs, back and groin. Fabulous!

When you're breast feeding there really isn't very much you can take to help either! I asked the pharmacist if I could take ibuprofen and his extremely helpful advice went like this; "I have good news and bad. The good news is that only a small trace will be found in the milk but the bad news, the manufacturers recommend you don't take it." Hmmmm better go with their advice then. Any tips on natural remedies will be really welcome, but I am not keen on lemon or honey and whiskey is out unless I want Dennis to sleep for a year.

The problem with feeling unwell and having babies is that you can't call in sick and have a duvet day! I don't think Damien or Dennis would be best pleased and may send me my P45. I have played games with Damien today that haven't required me to move very much, my personal favourite being hiding under my covers and listening out for noises. Or playing building site and taking a tea break whilst he works.

Another side effect of these sleepless nights is a bad memory! Daddy pig and I both forgot it is our ten year anniversary today! Oops! Love you X

Things I have forgotten since having two children.

1. I forgot to strap Damien into his car seat and the 7 year old I was looking after had to tell me.

2. I forgot to put my bra on and left for playgroup. Given I breast feed it could have been awkward.

3. Doctors appointments.

4. Arranged play dates at my house and then was out. Sorry ladies.

5. Baby massage class.

6. Jolly babies group.

7. Most people's name.

8. Eating breakfast and lunch.

9. My water bottle on the roof of the car, which consequently went flying into the road when I braked at a junction. Causing a car to swerve. Sorry Mr Peugeot driver.

10. My changing bag on the pavement which I spotted in the mirror as I was driving down the road.

11. The cabbage leaves in my bra which have fallen out during a feed. I forgot I was wearing it you see.

The amount of times I have said: "Oops completely forgot about that, really sorry!" is incredible.

Monday 14 May 2012

Jeeze Louise and then some

Holy mother, what a day! I can safely say that Damien has been on top form! We've had major tantrums and general devilish behaviour from dawn till dusk. I seem to have spent a large chunk of my day shouting "DAMIEN... NOOOOOOooooo!"

If I had a pound for every time I said, 'that's naughty!' I would be a very rich mummy and probably employ a nanny!

We had a trip to soft play this morning to let off steam but that turned into a nightmare! Plastic balls and foam shapes went flying and Damien thought he could bundle every child in sight. Am I the only person who finds this behaviour embarrassing? I am forever apologising for it and I sometimes dread taking him out to places incase he does it!

Surprise,surprise we have had our regular trip to the doctors this afternoon! Dennis now has an inhaler, poor little love, due to his constant wheeze! Perhaps he should give up the fags! Bad habit!! Any how, when I went to sign in the board said 60 mins wait for the clinic! I could feel the hot sweats start to rise, an hour in the doctors waiting room with Damien is hell on earth! The only other place he is so unruly is the library! The Receptionist tells me it's now 20 mins and I think I can handle that. Oh no, how wrong was I? The other patients were privileged to witness him in full swing, magazines go flying, he is shouting and running everywhere, you get the idea. I literally clear up one mess whilst he starts destruction something else!

I swear we were fast tracked to see the doctor so we didn't disturb the peace any longer! One good thing I guess....Perhaps I could rent him out fair this purpose? Hmmmm.

Today has made me realise that I am officially that mum that I used to walk past in the street and think, 'control your child' I am now her! Is that karma or just my complete lack of ability to control my child?

I am 'that' mother in the following instances; please note: all shouted out very loud.

1. The supermarket - "I want it and I want it now."

2. Any form of queue - "put me down - now"

3. On a play date - "go home! Get out" or "that's mine"

4. In the chemist - "get out girl it's my shop, you're not allowed in here!"

5. At a restaurant - "where's my dinner? I want it now!"

I want it and I want it now all feature very regularly and if I am lucky he will stop shouting when I quietly whisper in his ear. "if you stop shouting , you can have a sweetie" naughty mummy!

However, I learnt this evening that daddy pig offered him a scooter if he played ball, literally, as he was at a football group! So, my sweetie bribe has been beaten!

Sunday 13 May 2012

Health warning, enter at your own risk

Well last night was a fun night, if your idea of fun is very little sleep. It started with Damien at ten o'clock stood at his door asking me to "sheep with me mummy, sheep with me". He can't say 'L' very well. No problem, always nice to have a cuddle before I go to bed. Except Damien has other ideas, I am now his life size teddy bear which he likes to sit on, ride like a horse, kick in the head and generally abuse. All the while, I lay there and pretend to be asleep in the hope he will follow suit. It's a bit like playing sleeping lions but only one of us gets the rules!

Now I can just about get away with laying in his bed because I am fairly short. Daddy pig on the other hand, always looks like Buddy the Elf.

Anyway, I am digressing!.....

With Damien finally asleep I hit the hay myself, only to be awoken by Dennis crying for his milk. I feel slightly sick, like I've had a night on the sauce (I obviously haven't) I start to feed and think I'm going to be sick.....and I am! I try holding it in, like a hamster, cheeks puffed out I run to the loo but it's too late! All over the bathroom wall, door frame, bath panel etc etc It was like the famous scene from the Exorcist. Great!! along with feeling sick, I had the massive task of cleaning it up! I really have been in a pretty foul mood ever since, It's not like living at home when your mum would clean it up for you.

After that it was the usual one up, one down routine until we finally give up on the dream of sleep and give into the day.

At bedtime, Daddy Pig and I no longer wish each other good night, instead we opt for a much more apt "Good luck!" Every evening I think maybe, just maybe tonight will be the night where the quest for a whole 8 hours sleep is achieved. The illusion is usually shattered after being asleep for around an hour! Some nights I just wish for morning as it would be easier than getting up every hour!

Anyway it's Sunday evening and I am taking bets to see if we are at the doctors tomorrow morning! It has been a week after all...

Saturday 12 May 2012


Tonight I am doing a special blog for Madeleine McCann as today is her 9th birthday #blogging4madeleine. She has been missing since May 2007 when she was taken from her hotel room in Portugal. We still don't know where she is or what happened on that awful night!

My thoughts are with her family and I can't even begin to imagine how they must feel. I look at my own babies and count myself blessed they are with me and I can hold them in my arms and kiss them!

Someone must know where she is and what happened on that night. Please all support trying to find Madeleine.

If you have any information at all please contact your local police force immediately, AND

Operation Grange
0207 321 9251 (in the UK)
+44 207 321 9251 (non-UK)

OR Crimestoppers in confidence on 0800 555111 or

The power of jelly tots!

I think Dennis could be gearing up for his weekly trip to the doctors on Monday morning! His chest sounds a bit like a bowl of rice crispies, with extra crackle! I wonder if six months is too young for him to have developed a crush on the doctor, and he just likes to go and see her?

I have to admit I am finding it a little frustrating these constant minor ailments but what can I do? I seriously dislike administering six lots of antibiotics and bribing Damien with jelly tots so that he will open his mouth.

The bribery seems a fairly regular occurrence at the moment. See list of examples;

1: Damien, if you put your shoes and socks on you can have a sweetie.

2: Damien, if you let me change your nappy you can have a sweetie.

3: Damien, if you put your t-shirt on you can have a sweetie.

4: Damien, If you brush your teeth you can have a sweetie. (not my brightest idea!)

5: Damien, if you don't shout and create chaos in public you can have a sweetie.

I think you can see where I am heading with this one. The power of jelly tots and anything for an easy life!

Today has had its fair share of testing moments. My favourite being Damien climbing into a mobility scooter in Tesco and almost turning it on. Can just imagine a two and a half year old tearing up the aisles and taking a few people out on his way! He then legs it all the way to the front of the shop cracking up while I run after him and finds himself at a display of knives! Only my child could be drawn to the most dangerous things in a shop!

Being so tired really doesn't help and I sometimes find myself manically laughing like a slightly deranged crazy lady. Or can be found rocking quietly in a corner!

I have to admit though, I have had a few chuckles today! Damien asked my mum the following: "when daddy, grandad and my uncle play golf, do they get naked?"

And, I was reminded of the time I got into the wrong car outside my house one night! I actually climbed into the back seat in between two children. I did think it was a bit odd, but as i was meeting my brothers new girlfriend i didn't know what to expect. She looked at me and I looked at her and said, "who are you?"

Climbing out was embarrassing needless to say! It really should have registered that she would not be bringing her two children to a hen night.

Friday 11 May 2012

I should not be allowed out on my own

Today’s trip to Bath was fantastic, I was Lisa for the day and I don’t often get to be her anymore. Not that I mind, I love my mummy status. I sat on the train with my hair and make-up done, a copy of Marie Clare (I only bought this as it has a free lip and cheek stain in worth £10 as I don’t really have the time or money for fashion) and my new iphone. I thought to myself, I must have looked quite cool and a far removed version of my daily self. Sick covered clothes thanks to Dennis's inability to let me leave the house without some of my milk regurgitated. Not to be outdone, Damien has to pull my hair out of its already untidy, scrapped back, off the face and usually not as clean as one would like hairstyle.

Today has got me thinking about how I managed to not only get a job but stay employed, let me tell you a few things that have happened in my PR career.

1. Stacking it down the stairs and taking my boss out on the way down in front of clients!

2. Opening a bottle of fizzy water at a new business pitch and getting soaked. Just needed to unpin my hair and it would have been like a scene from a dodgy porno.

3. Having to get a new client to reverse my car after a meeting because I got stuck in a parking space.

4. Sending a text message to my male account manager expressive my love for him which was meant for daddy pig.

5. Being so hungover from the office Christmas party I spilt my coffee during a meeting with Keith Vas MP because I had the shakes.

I also once went to the toilet during an interview and tucked my skirt into my knickers and then walked the entire length of the office! I still got the job!

Not So Express Expressing

I am sure Dennis knew I was off to Bath for work today. He decided he didn't want his morning feed, instead he chose to keep coming off and laughing at me. Very cute but super annoying when I know I can't feed him all day.

So I decide to give up with this feed and get ready then attempt it when I am ready to leave. That was the plan. This time Dennis took great pleasure in pinging my bra strap which actually hurt! Now you maybe thinking that Damien is being quiet and well behaved and you are right in some ways. He is quite because he is in his bedroom a prisoner to his stair gate as he though Dennis would like to wear his bike hat while having his milk! I am going to look at getting a breast feeding necklace to try and stop this. I have heard that BabyBeads make great ones

After an unsuccessful attempt at feeding its time to pump and yes I am far too stressed for anything to come out. It doesn't help that my dad arrives to pick me up mid pump. Not a pleasant site and not productive to expressing! Dennis won't take a cup or a bottle but I feel I have to leave him some milk just in case.

All set to go now and have my pump in my handbag and lots of pads at the ready! Having my photo taken at work too so will be saving the expressing until afterwards. Loving the big boob look, especially as I am normally an impressive A cup! Yes, I can make a brick wall jealous!

Will let you all know how my day without children progresses! X

Thursday 10 May 2012

Diary of the Milkshake Mummy: Best night yet

Diary of the Milkshake Mummy: Best night yet: Wow we had an amazing night of sleep! Damien slept through and Dennis only woke up once. So why is it that I feel like I have been hit by a ...

Best night yet

Wow we had an amazing night of sleep! Damien slept through and Dennis only woke up once. So why is it that I feel like I have been hit by a bus and have no energy whatsoever?

I guess it must be true that your body gets use to having such a small amount of sleep and I should know!

Damien has always been a truly awful sleeper. He has never napped in his bed through the day and when other mums were enjoying there two hour naps I was lucky to get 20 mins some days he would have 6 mins. Really was it even worth it! The only way to get him to sleep through the day was driving him in the car. I have sat outside my house more times than I care to remember and have on occasion fallen asleep myself. On one very special occasion, I fell asleep and my arm slipped and my head hit the horn which gave me a very rude awakening! I am sure my neighbours think I am the crazy lady who sits outside her house, I need a sign which states 'Kids On Board Asleep, I am not a mentalist...Promise'

I had a brainwave today and wondered about inventing a baby monitor that you plug into the cigarette lighter and then you can go inside your house and do some house work without having to nip out every few minutes to check if they are still asleep. Then I thought you would have to leave the engine running and this would mean having the keys in the ignition. Doh! One thinks Childs Services may have something to say about that. Today Milkshake Mummy, I won't be investing!
Sometimes when Daddy Pig and I argue he asks me how other people manage to run a house and look after children. My reply "Other people's children sleep, you're children, yes YOUR children don't"

Now both Daddy Pig and I love our sleep so it is truly bizarre that neither of our children share this hobby! I really thought that as Damien didn't sleep, Dennis would. But no, I didn't think a child could be a worse sleeper than Damien and then Dennis came along and surpassed all my expectations!

Fingers crossed we will get more sleep tonight as I am on a work trip to the fab city of Bath tomorrow. Bags are all packed with the business essentials, laptop, diary, mobile phone and breast pump! The joys of a working breastfeeding mummy.

Tuesday 8 May 2012

Hi ho hi ho it's off to the doctors we go

I know I shouldn't be but I really am getting embarrassed about phoning the doctors. I have honestly called them every Monday for a month. I should have the number on speed dial really.

So anyway I get my usual appointment at 8:45 and as always struggle to park just because I don't have enough on my plate.

This time I bring daddy pig as both Damien and Dennis need to see the doctor. I have to admit that I can't manage both boys on my own there. Daddy moans about how other mums manage but I think once we get into the doctors and Damien creates a riot he soon understands why! Magazines go flying and you clean up one mess whilst he starts destructing something else.

We get our turn to see the doctor and this week Dennis has an ear and eye infection and Damien has a chest infection. So off to my other second home for medicine.

Typically the queue is already backed up to the door but I brave it under a false illusion that my two monkies will be angels! Oh no! Damien decides to throw himself on the floor and shout at anyone who comes in to "get out my shop!" needless to say I give up and leave.

I try another chemist instead and bribe Damien with jelly tots! It all starts off so well until I attempt to pay for some shopping in super drug, I turn my back for one second to enter my pin and CRASH, I turn to see the pushchair up side down with Damien underneath it. Obviously the shock has woken up Dennis too! Now heaven forbids that someone might help me hey? No, they just look at me like I am a bad mother who can't control her children.

Next stop waitrose, what could go wrong in here I hear you ask? Again as I go to pay a little hand comes out of nowhere and grabs the pot of green tokens and turns it upside down on the floor. Green coins go everywhere and I once again feel eyes burning into me. I mean come on Damien not in waitrose with the posh people!

Making a quick exit I head to pick up the medicine! Just as the pharmacist calls my name Damien decides to make a dash for it out of the shop meaning I had to run after him. I am fairly discrete but the devil child finds this hilarious and is laughing so loudly at this 'game' people turn to look.

At this point I don't think things can get worse until we are driving home and daddy pig calls to tell me he had crashed his car! Great, and thanks for all the swear words whilst you are on speaker phone!

Let's just say I went home and locked the doors the world had had enough of us for one day! It was only 10am though!

Sunday 6 May 2012

My trip to London

So work calls and for the first time I have to leave my six month old, Dennis, with my mum whilst I travel to London for lunch. Now this would be fine, except Dennis is still breast feed and will not take a bottle or cup. He is obviously going to be a breast man.

I on the other hand was having visions of my boobs getting so big we would be having a scene out of Austin powers were the boobs turn into guns. Mine would shoot milk instead of bullets.

So off I set with all my essential business items, diary, laptop, mobile and breast pump. Yep that's right my pump! Upon arriving in London I went to the toilets at Waterloo and sat on the toilet seat pump in one hand and chocolate bar in the other, it's important for energy. It really wasn't a pleasant experience and not one to repeat in a hurry, plus I had to pay 30p for the privilege! No wonder people give up boob feeding when they go back to work as pumping and dumping is no fun!


Its been a few days since I have updated this due to several factors. It's just been my birthday, yes another year older but at least I am still pushing 30 rather than pulling it. For another year anyway. I have had no sleep and starting to get frazzled plus I have the two snottiest boys in the world. I caught Damien picking his nose and wiping it on the sofa!

So we are still having really bad sleep and I feel like I am walking around in a drunken haze minus the fun part of drinking the alcohol. I am almost too tired to write.. . In fact I am!

Tuesday 1 May 2012


"i cant get no sleep"

My eyes are burning with tiredness as i write. one eye shut to ease it.

Quote of the day

"Work is not like playgroup" Father of my children 2012.

No shit sherlock! staying home with the boys is much harder.

there were three (4) in the bed...

There were four in the bed and the little one said: "shut up daddy you're snoring"

Yep, you guessed it Damien is already  sleeping in our bed and Dennis is in too. Its not even midnight. woo hoo! To top things off Daddy Pig is snoring like he has a peanut up his nose and i cant move to kick him as Dennis is feeding.

Will give him a massive kick when i finish feeding.

Introducing the Milkshake Mummy

Well, let me introduce myself for the purpose of this blog I am the Milkshake Mummy, I am a mum to two very lovely boys Damien and Dennis, and yes I mean as in Devil and menace. Damien is two and a half and what people call ‘active and busy’ basically a polite way of saying a bloody nightmare and nonstop mischief maker. Dennis is six months old and is prone to every germ and bug going, if it is contagious he WILL catch it.

Now there is something you need to know about these boys, neither of them are particular great at sleeping. Even this evening, Dennis has been up three times demanding his boobie juice, he does have a cough at the moment so he is forgiven. However, as those of you who have been blessed with nocturnal children know it’s really hard work.

I have decided to start this blog as an online diary in order to share my extremely bizarre life events, which normally occur due to my severe lack of sleep. I hope you enjoy the trials and tribulations of Damien and Dennis and the poor milkshake mummy.